Wonder Babe revised

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Chloromaiden
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Perhaps I'll try later with a different story
Last edited by Chloromaiden 12 years ago, edited 3 times in total.
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Centurion
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This is pretty good. I'm looking forward to the rest.

I have two thoughts, though... You seem to be trying to tell two stories at once, a flashback about a case she's writing up, and at the same time an ambush by the cleaning lady. I'm thinking it would be better to concentrate on just one. Second, you should describe what your heroine looks like.
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dravatar
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I like the fact that you are telling two stories here and that the heroine's mind is confused as to which is real. An excellent device and one which I may borrow in the future. The only thing I would do differently as the story proceeds is to develop the cleaning woman more.
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Chloromaiden
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Thank you for the two great comments...Both will help me in the future.
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tmon
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Excellent start and now since that you're past the deja vu of the cloth and drowning things should get even more interesting.
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flagonforge
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excellent start - looking forward to more!
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Centurion
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Chloromaiden, it doesn't make sense for us to make public comments if you're going to edit the original. It means that our comments are no longer valid. If you wanted to revise, you should have left the original so that we could compare the two. Check your Private Messages for more.
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Chloromaiden
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The reason for the revision was because of the comments...I don't seem to be able to win with you no matter what I do, soooo.
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Centurion
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There's no reason to delete the story. We LIKED it! We all SAID we liked it! I'm not complaining about the revision, I just wanted you to keep the original here so we could compare the two.
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tallyho
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I think its a fair point that we now have a story thread without a story. We're all interested in what's coming, maybe you couldve left the original until you were ready to post the edited version. I had a few comments but hadn't had chance to post them, now I have no frame of reference for them.
But no matter, its done now, looking forward to the revised version appearing. Agree with Centurion that you could've described the heroine in a bit of detail, but its all still good.
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Centurion
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You've got to remember when you edit an already existing post, the browser doesn't mark it as a "new unread post" and it doesn't move it up the queue. So we have no way of knowing you updated it.
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flagonforge
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shame - the story had an excellent start - I was really looking forward to more.
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