The Ultimate Superheroines Forum

()

Okay, a decent start. I like that it's an original character. It could use a bit more detail but having a rookie heroine make a rookie mistake is a classic so I'm looking forward to where you take this.

Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad I've at least piqued your interest. I was just kind of testing waters with this one, I'll make sure to take your suggestion with detail on board with the next part. Are there any peril elements you'd be interested in seeing?

SecretSociety wrote: Are there any peril elements you'd be interested in seeing?

Always but I don't want to hijack your story. Suffice it to say that the best perils are those that the writer most enjoys writing about. The passion comes out in the writing and it's usually a much better read. Trust your instincts.

()

Another good segment with better detail. Two things, a bit picky but which gave me pause. First, I had to go back and reread the position that Starlight was in when first carried out of the bank by Legionnaire. Apparently he shifted her from a fireman carry to carrying her in his arms. Having her look up at his helmet is what created my confusion. Keeping track of what's called continuity is important. I often even draw out diagrams of rooms that will be used repeatedly in my stories so I know where things are and what might be banged into or useful in a fight for example. It helps more than you'd think.

Secondly, I found that having Starlight timidly nodding in response to Cleo's comment was a bit surprising for a heroine, even a rookie, unless she was still under the influence of the anesthetic. Also, now that I think about it, if she was as strong as Legionnaire, her kicking and fighting in his arms should have caused him at least a little difficulty, no?

Like I said, these comments are fairly picayune and overall these were two very enjoyable episodes and I'm looking forward to where you're taking this series next.

Nice job, well written and well done on it being an original creation

I would interspace the dialogue exchanges with a spacer line as you have done the paragraphs though, and it pays to proof read your work - there's a word missing here or there and some of the descriptive additions (I see you listened to Dr Dom!) need an odd comma or two added.

I would maybe look to explain HOW she got her powers early on in the story, rather than have her just decide to use them for good and as Doc said I found her nodding a little out of place

But its a nice start, good luck with the rest of it.

Thanks again for the comments! There are a few points I'd like to address:

1)
The heroine being shifted from a shoulder carry to cradle carry was because I pictured there being an intermission that involved her being placed in a transport vehicle off screen in between segments and taken out prior to the start of the second segment. I should have conveyed this more clearly and outright stated that it was the case to avoid any confusion.

2)
As for the nodding, I wanted to have the implication that "Cleo" had some kind of ability to manipulate minds, which is also indicated through the heroine's sudden shift in emotion when she sees her.

3)
Yeah, I should watch out for stupid grammar mistakes and work on formatting.

Nonetheless, thanks for your support!

()

Edit: On tallyho's suggestion, I've removed this chapter to allow for further planning and to give readers more time to catch up.

I'd avoid postings too close together - give people time to read your posts and offer feedback and gives you time to think on where the story is going and you may come up with something better than you originally planned. I haven't had chance to read the last 2 if you keep on at 2 a day and I fall further behind I'm more inclined to leave it. Nothing wrong with how good it may be it's just human nature

Enjoying so far. Is Starlight going to be unmasked?
That would be cool. To have her identity out there after making rookie mistakes. Any more may be unmasked? As you can tell by the name, unmaskem.
Can't wait for the next chapter. I'm hooked.

()

Better and better!

()

This was very good for a first attempt, my man. Starlight was a cute, fun heroine, and I liked to see that she was fairly capable even before she was captured. And it was a very nice capture indeed! Drugged and carried off, then manacled and KO'd with sleeping dust...great stuff! As you know, I go for very lingering descriptions of such things, but it was still good.

Gotta admit, I found Galactica's peril a little hard to read given how badly she was being hurt - but taste is taste. Otherwise, I liked it a lot.