A Supergirl - Humbled

[Bert]

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[scwank]

Nice character development. I did find myself Googling R.O.U.S.

[DrDominator9]

Cute little background scene. Thanks for the look-in on Krissy and Eddie.

Starting a new thread for a new story is fine although this feels more like a follow-up chapter than a complete new story. If this will go on to be a self-contained story then keep it as a new thread; if not, I can move it back to the other thread and just keep new chapter titles I suppose.

[Bert]

Nice character development. I did find myself Googling R.O.U.S.

Thanks. There will be some action coming up fairly soon. As for rodents of unusual size, I guess that wasn't quite as ubiquitous a reference as I thought!

[Bert]

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[DrDominator9]

Marvelously done. Authentic and convincing. Let her story continue.

[Bert]

Thanks Doc!

[CJS]

Really well done. It had action, while weaving together her powers (and process of learning how to be a heroine) and their relationship. I can't think of another story that has juggled those two things at once. Looking forward to more.

[Bert]

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[Bert]

Really well done. It had action, while weaving together her powers (and process of learning how to be a heroine) and their relationship. I can't think of another story that has juggled those two things at once. Looking forward to more.

That's very kind of you to say. Thanks! I'm looking forward to your next installment as well!

[CJS]

Oooooh, this is getting good. Great action, and leaving us hanging.

[Bert]

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[DrDominator9]

Excellent fight scene. Nice ebb and flow between Krissy and Killer.

Spoiler

Your fight scene reminded me of Steven Bell's style; that feeling of the heroine being totally defeated and then she summons an inner strength you don't think is possible. Then there's an opening and a reversal and the heroine is triumphant.

Nice job. It's odd though that I don't feel as if this woman should be called Supergirl. I know you wanted to make her seem more possible in a more realistic universe. Now I'm thinking however that you should have gone for your own original character name. But that's just me.

[Bert]

Yeah, I waffled on that for a long time. In the end, my love for the Supergirl character won out. I can certainly understand your feeling on it. I'm being careful to refer to Krissy as "A Supergirl", not "Supergirl" to try to differentiate between my character and the traditional DC Heroine.

And yes, I am absolutely inspired by Mr. Bell! My stuff will be a bit more mild. I'm not too sure how close I'm already flirting with the limits of the main story section, and I'd prefer to keep my stuff here rather than The Dungeon.

[CJS]

That was fantastic, from both the way you write combat, and the emotional investment I felt with the character. I found myself cheering her on. I can't wait for more.

[Bert]

Thanks, CJS. It means a lot coming from someone who writes as well as you.

[Bert]

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[DrDominator9]

Once again, our girl is taken out by a mixture of unfair fight tactics and overconfidence. Even Supergirl in the tv show has a backup team with an audio communications link. Immediate voice contact like that might be too unrealistic for your "universe" here but hopefully Krissy finally gets the message.

Also, she needs to be much more on guard with everybody from now on, especially bad guys. She's a rookie heroine but you did indicate she got some training. She might have to go back for some serious retraining. That would be a good way into her background, by the way.

Nevertheless, the writing is solid. You need to expand the universe a bit now though. Many fights well described, now let's see some nice plot arcs developed. I'm not even sure she's ready for a step up to a higher order of villain though until she can better handle herself. Whenever you can get the time in your busy schedule to put together another chapter, be assured you'll have people eager and ready to read the result.

[Bert]

Part of the appeal, at least to me, of a heroine with Krissy's power level and weaknesses is that she can mop the floor with numerous opponents at once if things go well, but one or two "normal" foes with the right knowledge, abilities and ruthlessness (and maybe some luck) can still defeat her. It makes her more heroic if she enters the fray knowing that victory isn't a certainty. The first two stories introduce her and establish her abilities and limitations. With that out of the way, upcoming adventures will branch out into different, more complex areas. The back alleys of her city have done their job for now. Plus she may not feel overly inclined to return there!

[Damselbinder]

Just read through this whole thread, and there's definitely some potential here. The description of the combat is intense, and nicely detailed. It's very easy to imagine what's going on, which is very helpful. Also, the description of Krissy's mental state was quite convincing. I do, however, have some things I'd criticise.
- I think going forward Krissy needs to be a bit more fleshed out as a character. Superheroing seems to be her entire life, which takes back tension away from the possibility of her giving it up. She's just Supergirl.
- The fights come across as quite similar. It's a similar pattern of events, and it's described quite similarly in each case.
- I think Eddie is somewhat misused. He says at one point that he believes in Krissy's mission, but he spends most of his time criticising her and expressing doubts about her ability to be a superhero. This early in the story, that makes it more difficult than it needs to be to root for Krissy. The scene where he fought her came across less like a training session, and more like another scene of her being overpowered by a man.

As I say, there is potential - but I feel like we need a reason to buy into Krissy as a HERO, and we don't quite have that yet.

[DrDominator9]

I think Damselbinder's comments above are very constructive and you should take them in the spirit that they are delivered, as a writer who enjoys your work, sees good potential and is offering helpful ideas on how to improve your stories.

[Bert]

I think Damselbinder's comments above are very constructive and you should take them in the spirit that they are delivered, as a writer who enjoys your work, sees good potential and is offering helpful ideas on how to improve your stories.

Grin! It's okay Doc, I genuinely appreciate constructive criticism. How else do you get better at this? My biggest fear when I decided to write and publish these stories was that I wouldn't get any reaction. It has been a pleasure to receive feedback from yourself and others. It makes putting the time into writing feel worthwhile. I can't speak for others but this stuff doesn't come rolling out of my fingertips with the greatest of ease. There are many hours of work in the first two stories I've posted. I doubt I'd continue if no one responded. I will read over the suggestions carefully and do my best to heed at least some of them. Thanks for the input!

[Bert]

Just read through this whole thread, and there's definitely some potential here. The description of the combat is intense, and nicely detailed. It's very easy to imagine what's going on, which is very helpful. Also, the description of Krissy's mental state was quite convincing. I do, however, have some things I'd criticise.
- I think going forward Krissy needs to be a bit more fleshed out as a character. Superheroing seems to be her entire life, which takes back tension away from the possibility of her giving it up. She's just Supergirl.
- The fights come across as quite similar. It's a similar pattern of events, and it's described quite similarly in each case.
- I think Eddie is somewhat misused. He says at one point that he believes in Krissy's mission, but he spends most of his time criticising her and expressing doubts about her ability to be a superhero. This early in the story, that makes it more difficult than it needs to be to root for Krissy. The scene where he fought her came across less like a training session, and more like another scene of her being overpowered by a man.

As I say, there is potential - but I feel like we need a reason to buy into Krissy as a HERO, and we don't quite have that yet.

Thank you Db, for taking the time to read and then comment in such a detailed way. I admit that so far the storytelling has been secondary to the fight action, which is the aspect that I enjoy the most. As a HIP fan writing on a HIP site, my first efforts have mostly focused on, surprise surprise, the heroine in peril. Thanks to input from you and Doc, I will challenge myself to create more complete stories going forward. I may not incorporate all of the suggestions I've received, but I mostly agree with your take. I'll aim a little higher next time. Thanks again for the thoughtful post.

[Damselbinder]

Thank you Db, for taking the time to read and then comment in such a detailed way. I admit that so far the storytelling has been secondary to the fight action, which is the aspect that I enjoy the most. As a HIP fan writing on a HIP site, my first efforts have mostly focused on, surprise surprise, the heroine in peril. Thanks to input from you and Doc, I will challenge myself to create more complete stories going forward. I may not incorporate all of the suggestions I've received, but I mostly agree with your take. I'll aim a little higher next time. Thanks again for the thoughtful post.

I appreciate you responding so evenhandedly. However, I think the reason I had a few criticisms is because though you said your focus was on the peril, I can tell that there's more than that here. If it were just a pulpy vignette about Supergirl being defeated, I would never have gone into such detail. But there's more going on: some genuine storytelling and characterisation. There's potential for real quality here.

[CJS]

Finally able to get back in here, and was thrilled to read this. Very strong action again, while making us really care for the character. I'm looking forward to the next installment, and learning more about her.

[Bert]

Thank you, CJS. Plotting the next story now. I'm inspired by you and others to craft a more complete tale with more character development and complexity. Hopefully I'm up to the challenge.

[CJS]

Hopefully I'm up to the challenge.

Ha, I seriously doubt that will be a problem for you. I think your first two stories gave enough of a taste of the underpinning of the character and your ability to weave things together that you definitely have it all there (it wouldn’t have interested me as much as it did otherwise).

[theheroineproject]

Sad that this story seems lost, if anyone has it I'd love to post it on The Heroine Project.

[Ernie]

Shouldn't you get permission from the author?