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The Villain That Killed Supergirl
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bare_thighz
- Henchman
- Posts: 56
- Joined: 10 years ago
fuck
Last edited by bare_thighz 4 years ago, edited 1 time in total.
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bare_thighz
- Henchman
- Posts: 56
- Joined: 10 years ago
fuck
Last edited by bare_thighz 4 years ago, edited 1 time in total.
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DrDominator9
- Emissary
- Posts: 2460
- Joined: 13 years ago
- Location: On the Border of the Neutral Zone
It's definitely darker than most stories here. (Believe me, I know 'cause I write them very dark myself.) I need a day or two to process this story. It's well-written and all but there's something missing and I'm not sure what that is. I think the ending is very sad in its way. I'll get back to you on this.
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DrDominator9
- Emissary
- Posts: 2460
- Joined: 13 years ago
- Location: On the Border of the Neutral Zone
Hi Bare_thighz,
I said I would give your story more thought and I have. I think your writing is really excellent and wonderfully specific and I only offer these suggestions/criticisms to aid you in your development. I re-read this story to get a clear picture of what bothered me about it and it wasn't as severely off-kilter as I first thought. But there were several points that disturbed me. I hope you don't mind me being so specific (if not nitpicking) about the points I'm about to make.
I think part of the problem was the strained believability at certain points, a rough thing for readers to get by.
The first one was when he so casually lets Supergirl fall victim to the kryptonite and basically saunters into the basement. If this were a life goal, I think he'd take more care about her take down. And the coincidence of him discovering the fragment in his backyard was another tough pill to swallow. If he'd gone out and bought it after saving up for a year, that would have been more like his character, I feel.
He puts the rock in her crotch and then goes up to make a sandwich. I would have expected him to restrain her before leaving her. She could gather enough strength to remove the fragment and toss it away. It seems you feel that the kryptonite would be so paralyzing to her that she couldn't move in the least. And if it hurt so much, would it cause her to moan in pleasure?
After he brutally gores her with a pool cue, she still gives him a feral glare. I think she'd be pretty cowed by that experience, what with blood actually dripping off the pool cue at that point. I think you need to give thought to what would be the cumulative effect of the actions on a non-super powered heroine at this point. Going from scene to scene with continuous brutality without considering the overall effect it would have on a being incapable of recovering her powers (or not mentioning them if she is recovering them) is something you have be very wary of, and certainly to let the reader in on, if she is recovering at all.
I think despite the fact that SG was enjoying herself, Charles would have been enjoying himself too much to want to pull out of her. As much as I enjoyed her being humiliated by the ejaculation, it doesn't seem likely he'd have had that much control to stop himself at that point, the loser nerd that he is.
The whole thing about him cutting the skin on SG's thighs to ribbons and the permanent scarring was just so brutal that I was horrified you were going to go through with it. I was gratified you didn't. I don't know if that's a plus or a minus on the scoresheet of this story but I have to say it was a moment of horror worthy of Stephen King there, so I guess it's a plus.
The comment SG makes about giving Gloria a pardon and the key to the city was so out of character I groaned when reading it.
All the scenes of boiling water being poured over SG were just too gruesome, I felt.
I'm not sure if the way SG dies is a plus or a minus, but it's very emotional. Just having them hear her screams from a different room is something I didn't expect and never read before. As I said in my earlier post, it was a very sad moment. I'm going to put that on the positive side of the ledger. The scene is just too strong for me to criticize you on it.
Over all, the brutality often got in the way of the enjoyment of this story, making it a tough read. But there were so many good aspects of the humiliation and the sex that I'm very encouraged by how you write, so I look forward with great expectation to your next effort. When you turn down the volume on the violence I think you'll be unstoppable.
Truly Wonderful Aspects of Your Story:
* When he puts the k fragment inside the crotch of her leotard. The way he does it and snaps her crotch closed is quite erotic.
* Her angry comment to him about someone squishing a banana in their hands. Spot on with the anger and the visual.
* The fear about what his parents will do and say and the completely unexpected turnabout there.
* I really liked the idea of putting a sock in her mouth and then taping it shut, I just think you should have mentioned at the time that he had gone jogging in that sock to make it so rank, (an ingenious idea). Saying it later made it lose some impact.
* The way the parents played with SG's body, enjoying it so thoroughly, the father with her breasts, the mother concentrating on SG's vag, was nicely done.
* “Superheroines don’t live forever, honey,” Gloria said. “It’s okay though. You’ve had a pretty sweet run.” -- A great line I thought.
* SG being sodomized by the father while the mother tended down south-- nice visual, well described.
* The steady rhythm of the mother using the strap-on with SG while being taken by the husband from behind was nicely handled.
* SG's near escape was also well-done.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I said I would give your story more thought and I have. I think your writing is really excellent and wonderfully specific and I only offer these suggestions/criticisms to aid you in your development. I re-read this story to get a clear picture of what bothered me about it and it wasn't as severely off-kilter as I first thought. But there were several points that disturbed me. I hope you don't mind me being so specific (if not nitpicking) about the points I'm about to make.
I think part of the problem was the strained believability at certain points, a rough thing for readers to get by.
The first one was when he so casually lets Supergirl fall victim to the kryptonite and basically saunters into the basement. If this were a life goal, I think he'd take more care about her take down. And the coincidence of him discovering the fragment in his backyard was another tough pill to swallow. If he'd gone out and bought it after saving up for a year, that would have been more like his character, I feel.
He puts the rock in her crotch and then goes up to make a sandwich. I would have expected him to restrain her before leaving her. She could gather enough strength to remove the fragment and toss it away. It seems you feel that the kryptonite would be so paralyzing to her that she couldn't move in the least. And if it hurt so much, would it cause her to moan in pleasure?
After he brutally gores her with a pool cue, she still gives him a feral glare. I think she'd be pretty cowed by that experience, what with blood actually dripping off the pool cue at that point. I think you need to give thought to what would be the cumulative effect of the actions on a non-super powered heroine at this point. Going from scene to scene with continuous brutality without considering the overall effect it would have on a being incapable of recovering her powers (or not mentioning them if she is recovering them) is something you have be very wary of, and certainly to let the reader in on, if she is recovering at all.
I think despite the fact that SG was enjoying herself, Charles would have been enjoying himself too much to want to pull out of her. As much as I enjoyed her being humiliated by the ejaculation, it doesn't seem likely he'd have had that much control to stop himself at that point, the loser nerd that he is.
The whole thing about him cutting the skin on SG's thighs to ribbons and the permanent scarring was just so brutal that I was horrified you were going to go through with it. I was gratified you didn't. I don't know if that's a plus or a minus on the scoresheet of this story but I have to say it was a moment of horror worthy of Stephen King there, so I guess it's a plus.
The comment SG makes about giving Gloria a pardon and the key to the city was so out of character I groaned when reading it.
All the scenes of boiling water being poured over SG were just too gruesome, I felt.
I'm not sure if the way SG dies is a plus or a minus, but it's very emotional. Just having them hear her screams from a different room is something I didn't expect and never read before. As I said in my earlier post, it was a very sad moment. I'm going to put that on the positive side of the ledger. The scene is just too strong for me to criticize you on it.
Over all, the brutality often got in the way of the enjoyment of this story, making it a tough read. But there were so many good aspects of the humiliation and the sex that I'm very encouraged by how you write, so I look forward with great expectation to your next effort. When you turn down the volume on the violence I think you'll be unstoppable.
Truly Wonderful Aspects of Your Story:
* When he puts the k fragment inside the crotch of her leotard. The way he does it and snaps her crotch closed is quite erotic.
* Her angry comment to him about someone squishing a banana in their hands. Spot on with the anger and the visual.
* The fear about what his parents will do and say and the completely unexpected turnabout there.
* I really liked the idea of putting a sock in her mouth and then taping it shut, I just think you should have mentioned at the time that he had gone jogging in that sock to make it so rank, (an ingenious idea). Saying it later made it lose some impact.
* The way the parents played with SG's body, enjoying it so thoroughly, the father with her breasts, the mother concentrating on SG's vag, was nicely done.
* “Superheroines don’t live forever, honey,” Gloria said. “It’s okay though. You’ve had a pretty sweet run.” -- A great line I thought.
* SG being sodomized by the father while the mother tended down south-- nice visual, well described.
* The steady rhythm of the mother using the strap-on with SG while being taken by the husband from behind was nicely handled.
* SG's near escape was also well-done.
Thanks for sharing your work.
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bare_thighz
- Henchman
- Posts: 56
- Joined: 10 years ago
Thank you for your thorough critique. Supergirl's believability was not something I was worried about and you make some very good points. I'm glad the thigh torture fantasy was horrifying. You know I wouldn't have actually done that, right? I'm glad there were some erotic moments in my story that you enjoyed, although I would like to have more of them. This story was pretty brutal. I sort of wanted to write a horror story. Charles Ward, in case you don't know, is a name from an H.P. Lovecraft story. The suburbs are absolutely terrifying.
I'm always open to any thoughts you have on my stories. Your Wonder Woman story is delicious. I'm still reading it.
I'm always open to any thoughts you have on my stories. Your Wonder Woman story is delicious. I'm still reading it.
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Mr. Pantyhose Lover
- Sargeant
- Posts: 133
- Joined: 11 years ago
With Charles Ward being the biggest loser,is there gonna be another sequel about him destroying other superheroines with his parents?
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DrDominator9
- Emissary
- Posts: 2460
- Joined: 13 years ago
- Location: On the Border of the Neutral Zone
I edited bwordman's comment above, removing the entire quote of the story for reasons of space and convenience to other readers.