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tallyho
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Ok, this doesn't really sit anywhere on this forum but here.

I had a bit of fun a week or so back in a thread where I posted a jokey Star Wars Storm trooper briefing and I thought it might be fun to give the whole franchise the treatment, so here is the first in an occasional and infrequent series. I hope you enjoy it for what it is and if you do like it, please post a comment.



STORM TROOPER BRIEFING #89

In a galaxy far, far away, the forces of evil were having a good day...



“Morning everybody!” the briefing commander said to the packed hall of Imperial stormtroopers


“YEEEEEAHHHHHH!”-”VADER! VADER! VADER!” -”GO EMPIRE! GO EMPIRE!”


“OK, ok settle down...I'm guessing you heard the good news, huh?”


“YEEEEEAHHHHHH!”-”VADER! VADER! VADER!” -”GO EMPIRE! GO EMPIRE!”


“OK!” (LAUGHING)”OK, YEP, RIGHT! ALRIGHT!” he waved a hand to get silence “Yep, thats right. We just whipped the ASS of a Corelian freighter” more cheers “on a -”DIPLOMATIC “ mission no less, huh?” he made air quotes much to the amusement of the briefing room. “AND BEST OF ALL...wait for it ...WE ONLY WENT AND CAPTURED PRINCESS LEIA!””


“YAYYYYYYY!!!!!”


“HUH....! YEAH...? PRETTY COOL RIGHT?” he spread his arms wide soaking up the applause. “HOW 'BOUT THAT, YEAH? ARE WE AN EMPIRE THAT KICKS BUTT OR WHAT, HUH? GIVE IT UP PEOPLE!!!!”


“YEEEEEAHHHHHH!”-”VADER! VADER! VADER!” -”GO EMPIRE! GO EMPIRE!”


“SO WHEN WE GONNA BANG THAT PIECE OF TAIL?” Shouted someone at the back.


“YEAH! I CALL DIBBS!” there was joking and scuffling at the back as the dibbs-caller was jostled.


“What? No, no listen guys, I know 'spoils of war' and all that but TECHNICALLY, we're not at war soooo ...she's off limits I'm afraid”


“AWWW MAN!” -”BOO!” -”C'MON, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL FOR CHRISTSAKES!”-”ARE WE?”


“WAIT! Who said that? WHO ASKED IF WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL?”


Hesitantly, a stormtrooper raised his hand.


<”Shoulda known it would be the new guy”> whispered someone.


“YOU! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!”


“Er ..Desmond from Glixxa.” said the noob


“NOT YOUR NAME, YOU MORON! YOUR BATCH NUMBER!” there were guffaws of laughter that were quieted. “SILENCE!!!”


“Oh...er...F-something.. it ends in 57...”


“Freakin' noob...” someone said as there were more suppressed guffaws.


“Well, F-something...” he said sarcastically “What the hell do you mean 'ARE WE ? OF COURSE WE'RE EVIL! WE'RE THE EVIL EMPIRE THAT RULES THE GALAXY!!!”


“But we got white armour... doesn't that make us the good guys?”


“Hey ! The new kids right!” there was a chorus of stunned murmurs from the throng. As they all looked at each other. Sure enough, he was right- they WERE in white!


“NO, THE NEW KID-” the briefing commander began


“-Desmond'” Desmond offered helpfully.


-”DESMOND, ISN'T RIGHT! AND YOU'RE NOT DESMOND ANYMORE! YOUR-F- SOMETHING, WHATEVER-IT-WAS 57!”


“See its really hard to remember” said Desmond.


“NO, ITS NOT ! I JUST DON'T KNOW IT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHAT IT IS! YOU, STANDING NEXT TO HIM! WHATS IT SAY ON THE BACK OF HIS HELMET?!”


“Who me? Er...F...actually it might be an 'E'...something then its all scratched off...”


“I did that , I thought it was just the helmet serial number...” said Desmond awkwardly. “Didn't wanna be the new guy with his name tag on all his stuff...”


“Oh goddammit! Look, never mind. NEW GUY whatever the hell your ID is, take it from me, we ARE EVIL. We just attacked a ship about 50 times smaller than us for God's sake! How evil can you get?”


“Well, we could rape and kill our prisoners..” chirped up a voice from the back.


“What, even the guys? Euuuugh gross!” someone commented


“No, we shoot the guys, we just bang Leia” the first troooper explained


“Oh, ok, thats different.”


“LOOK I TOLD YOU, THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, OK ? She's off limits. Now let's get back to celebrating a victory, shall we?” said the commander.


“Not much of a victory if the ship is 50 times smaller than our ship...” said a Trooper in the middle


“OK THATS IT! YOU! YES I SAW YOU! ITS NO GOOD TRYING TO HIDE BEHIND THE GUY IN FRONT! GET OUT. GO. NOW, GO ON. GET. GO AND CLEAN THE TOILETS.”


“BUT WE GOT DROIDS FOR THAT!”


“YEAH WE HAVE, BUT YOU, SMART ASS, HAVE JUST VOLUNTEERED TO GIVE THEM A DAY OFF. GO!” he pointed at the door. Reluctantly the trooper shuffled out, head bowed, abashed.


“Right...ok. Lets get back on track. Now who wants to see the footage we lifted from the Corellian security tapes?”


“Is it Leia taking a shower?”


“No.”


“Awww” sighed the whole room.


“But its still good! I promise you! WE HAVE A STAR IN OUR MIDST! Where is he? PL57893?
C'mon...you know what I'm talking about...where is he?” a hesitant hand was raised.


“THERE HE IS!” the commander turned and activated the viewer behind him “Its a bit bright in here...think we need to 'TURN TO THE DARKSIDE! HUH!!! YEAH?!!” there were groans from the room “GET IT? OK, hit the lights someone. OK, this is the moment we break through the bulkhead...couple of our guys go down...lots of wall shooting- I keep telling you guys practice-practice-practice, as though your lives depend on it BECAUSE -?”he paused.


“Because-they-do.” the room said tiredly.


“Exactly. Because they do. So aim a bit better yeah? But anyway, Lots of wall shooting..”


“Hey look ! Thats me! I'm famous ha-ha!”


“THATS NEVER YOU!”


“IT IS!”


“NO WAY! LOOK THATS ME! I JUST SHOT THAT GUY! YOU MUSTA BEEN BEHIND ME!”


“I shot that guy, I remember it. “ A third party chipped in.


“YOU LIAR! I SHOT HIM ,YOU HIT THAT GUY RUNNING AWAY!” a fourth voice added.


“NO I SHOT THE GUY RUNNING AWAY ON DECK 4” a fifth piped up.


“No, I'm on about the guy running away on deck 3” said fourth.


“Oh sorry yeah, that could have been him.” agreed fifth.


“IT WAS!” said fourth.


“Yeah well, ok, I said I'm sorry” said fifth.


“Aww look thats RB89 Z12 getting it...poor guy...” cut in someone near the front and the room fell silent.


“No, I'm fine, I'm right here!” said RB89 Z12 raising a hand.


“YOU'RE ALIVE! GREAT!!! So who was that guy then?”


“L5791 I think..”


“NO! Dammit, he made the best pasta and meatballs...”


“Didn't he though? Poor L5791...” a respectful silence descended, before it was broken by a petulant low mumble


“I definitely shot that first one in the breach corridor...”


“NO YOU NEVER!”-”YEAH WELL I SHOT THE CAPTAIN!”-”I GOT THAT SILVER DROID!”
a chorus of shouts filled the room simultaneously


“SHOT THE CAPTAIN, MY ASS! VADER CHOKED THE CAPTAIN, SO THAT'S TOTAL BS, YOU LYING BANTHA!”


“MUSTA BEEN THE FIRST OFFICER I GOT THEN...”


“YEAH, RIGHT.”


“YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? HEY, BRING IT ON TOUGH GUY, I'M RIGHT HERE!”


“GUYS, GUYS,GUYS! Lets not squabble over who shot what, we ALL DID OK TODAY, RIGHT?”
the briefing officer appealed for calm.


“L5791 didn't”


“OK ENOUGH ALREADY! LETS ALL JUST CALM DOWN AND WATCH THE MOVIE, OK?”


“HEY! ZX 78965 just threw popcorn at me!”


“Yeah 'cos your big fat head is in the way thats why!”


“PIPE DOWN YOU AT THE FRONT!” cried the commander.


“Hey that popcorn went straight through my armour!” said the dismayed trooper


“I SAID THIS STUFF IS SHIT!” grumbled a voice at the back.


“I'm serious, look I got a hole! Look!”


“Lousy cheap Korean knock-off armour”


“WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE HELL UP ? !!!!! PLEASE!!!!” a hush descended . “Thank you!”


“It went straight through, look!” whispered the injured stormtrooper to the trooper sitting next to him


“QUIET!!!!! Now...I'll fast forward to the good bit. Ok there's the great man himself, there's Vader, just stepping in through the breach..Oh and who is that behind him?” he hit pause “YEP ITS OUR VERY OWN PL57893! And then we fast forward a bit to OH LOOK THEY'VE CORNERED LEIA! AND just look at what happens next, keep your eye on him...and BANG! He gets shot by a girl! Goes down like a sack of spuds!”


“HA HA!” -”WHAT A DORK!”-”YOU KLUTZ, PL'!”- “CAN'T EVEN CAPTURE A GIRL!!”


“Yeah yeah, knock it off guys,coulda happened to anyone” PL57893 shook his head and held his helmeted forehead in his hand in embarrassment. His other arm was in a sling. “I'm actually fine, thanks for asking.”


“Yeah, well your armour didn't save you that's for sure..” grumbled a disaffected voice.


“Ya know, I'm not sure I saw it properly the first time. Who wants to see it again, huh?” the briefing commander ignored the dissenter and pressed on regardless.


“YEAH!”-”HELL YEAH!”-”WUHOOO!”


“Awww no!” said PL, laughing with embarrassment.


“HELL YEAH is right! Here we go!” he hit play again as PL57893 took an elaborate bow to the jeers of the room. After the clip was watched again the commander restored order.


“RIGHT OK! So a win guys , huh? Are we great or what?! And to celebrate Lord Vader HIMSELF is gonna give you a lecture on the Power of the Darkside...”


“Awwwww man” there were mumbles of disquiet.


“Its in the cafeteria at 10:30--


“AW CRAP THE GAME'S ON!” the cry went up and uproar followed for a few seconds. The commander waved again for silence.


“HEY! What's more important- the end of season intergalactic playoff final or a lecture on evil from our boss? Well? I'm not hearing you guys....”


“The-lecture-on evil-from-our-boss...” mumbled the room.


“You know the drill, be there or be choked...”


“Awww...”


“Hey I don't make the rules guys. But hey, well done. You all done good out there today”


“I got a question” said a trooper by the door


“Yeah?”


“RL900434: yeah, um...so ...you said this was like a big win for us right?”


“Well it is.”


“Yeah so...my question is...did we actually get the plans for the Deathstar back or what?”


“OK! SO...WHO WANTS TO SEE THE VIDEO FOOTAGE AGAIN, HUH?”
The commander clapped his hands and ignored the question.
Last edited by tallyho 7 years ago, edited 4 times in total.
How strange are the ways of the gods ...........and how cruel.

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ksire_99
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No wonder they are killed in bunches!

:laugh:
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LOL, very funny sir :)
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Thank you both guys and I hope the other couple of hundred who have viewed it enjoyed it. I am currently having some fun with the next part, it will be up in a few days. Stay tuned!
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That was fun! Reminds me of hundreds of grade school assemblies I've attended. Best parts were wall-shooting, disappointment about no Princess Leia in the shower video and cheap armour. I can't wait til you get to the debriefing way down the road about the Empire being beaten by a bunch of teddy bears with bows and arrows. Keep this going when you can. I may want to offer a guest chapter myself.
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Thanks and totally open to guest spots from anyone.Please just pm them to me so I can keep the continuity parallel to the films and ideally keep it in this conversational-style format

Next up on Sunday is the disciplinary hearing
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DISCIPLINARY HEARING #1


The squad of nine stormtroopers marched in three ranks of three down the immaculate corridors of the Star Destroyer, the rhythmic stamp of 18 feet echoing ahead of them. They reached a door and stopped. The two outer rows were armed with the standard issue INAKUR -8 Empire blaster, but the inner three troopers were empty handed.


The detail commander gestured towards the door. The middle three moved forward at the march and stopped.


“Er...are we s'posed to knock or what?” asked one of the three


“Just get in there dumbass” barked the detail commander.


The three exchanged nervous glances before one of them triggered the door mechanism and it slid back to reveal an office. Suppressing sighs of relief the three marched in to stand before the seated figure behind the desk, who didn't look up.


They stood in silence. The figure continued to ignore them.


One of them coughed. The figure continued to ignore them.


“We're here sir.” one said respectfully.


“He knows that you moron!” hissed one of his companions.


“Don't call me a moron, you batch reject!”


The silent figure slammed his palm on the desk and looked up sharply with a look that demanded silence.


The trio fell silent for a moment before the third trooper piped up. “Nice office.”


“Shut up you idiot! Didn't you see he just gave us a look that demanded silence?”hissed his companion


“Well, no I was looking around the office...”


“SILENCE!” shouted the seated figure.


<”See you've made him angry now!> whispered the first trooper.


“No he hasn't. Because I was ALREADY angry...” said the commander behind the desk.


<“See, shows how much YOU know”> whispered the chastized stormtrooper.


“Do you three idiots know WHY I was already angry?”


“ER...your wife had a bump in your landspeeder?”-”Your dog died?”-”Your wife is having an affair?” the three suggested simultaneously.


“NO, YOU MORONS!”


”Oh...well... in that case, no sir, we don't..”


“You don't?” the commander said more calmly. “Well let me refresh your memories. You are LB29 -J, HJ 57992 and Patrol leader PBH 67873, are you not? ”


“Sir!” they answered to their names.


“And collectively, you formed patrol 52 in Mos Eisley yesterday, did you not?”


“OHHHH, so THAT's what this is about! Yes sir, that was us.” said PBH 67873


“Yes, patrol leader that is what its about. Do you know what I have in my hand here?” The commander held aloft a piece of paper.


“Shopping list?”HJ asked optimistically


“NO IT IS NOT A SHOPPING LIST! It is in fact the briefing notes transcript for yesterdays broadcast. You know, YESTERDAY...when you were apparently BORN. Do you remember what it said? No? Well let me refresh your memories- 'All troopers to be on the lookout for a gold translator droid and an R2 unit. Droids believed to be carrying plans for the new Deathstar to the rebels.' Now does that ring any bells with you at all?”


“Awww crap.”


“Lets just see the footage from your patrol shall we...”


“But chief, those weren't the droids we were looking for....”


“ THEY WERE PRECISELY THE DROIDS WE WERE LOOKING FOR!”


“Well the guy said they weren't...”


“YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BELIEVE HIM!!!! JUST LOOK AT THIS FOR INCOMPETENCE!” He hit play and they watched the scene unfold from security cameras.



“Well, ok, but its not as bad as it looks...” said PBH


“ITS EXACTLY AS BAD AS IT LOOKS! YOU HAD THEM ! YOU STOPPED THEM ! YOU HAD CAUGHT THEM BANG TO RIGHTS! AND WHAT DO YOU DIMWITS DO? YOU LET THEM GO!”


“But they weren't-” began LB29-J


“DON'T SAY IT! DON'T SAY IT AFTER I JUST SAID THAT THEY WERE! THEY WERE CLEARLY, OBVIOUSLY, PATENTLY THE DROIDS WE WERE LOOKING FOR, AND YOU JUST LET 'EM GO! NOT ONLY THAT -” he rewound and hit play again.


“Move, along, move along” said PBH in the audio of the vid


“YOU EVEN HURRIED THEM UP TO GET AWAY QUICKER!”


<”Boy, he's really mad at you”> whispered HJ to the patrol leader


“SHUT UP! I CAN HEAR YOU! I AM LIKE 2 FEET AWAY! AND I AM NOT JUST MAD AT HIM, I AM MAD AT ALL OF YOU!”


“ME? What did I do?” asked HJ indignantly


“NOTHING! THATS THE POINT!”


“Well he said they weren't-”


“DON'T! DON'T SAY IT! YOU SAY IT ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD AND YOU'RE BANTHA FODDER!”said the commander jumping to his feet.


Patrol 52 fell collectively silent.


HE!” the commander pointed at PBH, “Was the victim of a simple Jedi mind trick...”


“Phew!” said PBH “So it wasn't my fault after all”


“OF COURSE IT WAS YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO FALL VICTIM TO COMPLICATED JEDI MIND TRICKS, NOT THE SIMPLE ONES! BUT YOU TWO! WHY THE HELL DID YOU LISTEN TO HIM?”


“Well....he's the patrol leader...”


“YES, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE BRAINS OF YOUR OWN, YOU CAN SEE THE DAMNED DROIDS IN FRONT OF YOU , WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU QUESTION HIM WHEN HE SAID THAT?”


“Well, I thought it was a bit funny at the time...” HJ mumbled.


The commander took a deep breath. “ You thought it was a bit funny at the time....Tell me gentlemen, do you like Tattooine? I've heard the sand gets everywhere inside that armour, and I mean EVERYWHERE! WELL UNLESS YOU BUCK YOUR IDEAS UP YOU ARE GONNA BE PATROLLING MOS EISLEY FOR THE REST OF YOUR CAREER!”.


“COOL!” said LB.


“What?”


“Its a great place! Saturday nights are just jumpin' down there! There's this really cool bar,-”began LB


Chalmun's Cantina” said PBH


“ Yeah, Chalmun's, thats it, - they got live music and its free to get in if you're a stormtrooper, and they got this resident blues band-”


“They ain't a blues band” interjected HJ


“Sure they are!” said LB.


“They ain't, I'm telling you”


“But they are all blue?” said LB


“Yes, but Blues is a type of music not the colour of the band”


“Are you sure?”


“YES!” HJ said exasperatedly. "And they are mostly blue. The lead singer is that grey-green colour..."


“Oh, well anyway they got this resident -BLUE – band who have this foxy little mamma on lead vocals who really rocks a mouth on a stalk, and this great floppy -eared elephant thing on keyboards who is just awesome! And they play this really catchy little ditty, its ...like Dah – da -Dah-da Dah-da-da , Dah -DAA – da-da-da daaah!”


“Oh yeah that is good, and they just play it over and over too,” PBH started to sing it -and all three took up the tune.


“Dah – da -Dah-da Dah-da-da , Dah -DAA – da- da- da, daaah!”


“SILENCE!”


“No seriously you gotta hear them play, its awesome. Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. I bought all their albums. Great musicians and the production on their latest album 'Dantooine Days, Tatooine Nights' is just AMAZING!”


“And there's that foxy lead vocalist...”


“You're weird.”


“No YOU'RE weird.. You're jealous, just 'cos she winked at me and not you-”


“SHE WINKS AT EVERYONE!”


“Does not...”


“SHUT UP!!!!” Bellowed the commander.


“I could do you a mix tape if you are interested....?” offered LB helpfully


“I AM NOT INTERESTED IN A BLUES BAND MIX TAPE!”


“Its more of a BLUE band really, but...”


“WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!! ONE MORE WORD FROM ANY OF YOU AND YOU WILL BE GUARDING THAT STUPID PIT WITH TEETH IN THE DESERT, I SWEAR TO GOD!”


“Y-” PBH went to inform him he meant the Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon, but a stormtrooper-gloved hand clamped over his mouth speaker.


The commander glared at all three of them.. Long moments passed in silence as he paced around each in turn. “I was gonna leave you to rot here on Tatooine. But apparently you'd like that? So. A change of plan. You are all inept and useless. There's no room in the storm trooper corps for men like you...”


<“But we are all clones! We are pretty much all there is in the Stormtrooper corps...”> whispered HJ.


“Shhhh!”


The commander spun on his heel and silence resumed. “ As I was saying. You are clearly inept and incompetent . There's nothing for it. I''m transferring you to Deathstar security. Its impregnable so I've heard, so even you guys can't muck it up again. Go. NOW!” he shouted as they all just stood there.


Heads bowed, they filed out.


<”I lied, I didn't really like his office”> whispered LB to his colleagues.


The commander sat down in his chair with a sigh. Subconsciously, his fingers began drumming on the desk....


Tah – ta, Tah-ta, tah-ta-ta , Tah -TAA – ta-ta-ta, taaah...


“OH GOD DAMMIT!”
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The Farce is strong with this one ....
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That was EXACTLY the parody I was looking for!

Thanks again, Tallyho.
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STORM TROOPER BRIEFING ROOM B, CORRIDOR 4, DECK 271, DEATHSTAR MK1.


“SOOOO GUYS....HUH? ANOTHER GLORIOUS DAY FOR THE EMPIRE, RIGHT? RIGHT? Yeah, YOU know what I'm talkin' about!!!! NOT so good if you're an Alderaanian, right? “ the speaker paused to let the laughter subside. “OR IT WOULDN'T BE EXCEPT THERE AREN'T ANY ALDERAANIANS LEFT! AM I RIGHT? HUH? WHAM! GOODNIGHT! SEE YA, COUPLA BILLION PEOPLE!!! BYE BYE!!! KABLAMO!!!! BOOM PLANET GONE! IN YOUR FACE REBELS, HUH?!!!. HEY BITCH, YOU WON'T SNITCH, WELL GUESS WHAT? WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE HELL YOUR SECRET BASE IS, 'COS WE ARE JUST GONNA BLOW EVERY FREAKIN' PLANET UP IN THE SYSTEM TIL WE GET THE RIGHT ONE!!! SHOVE THAT UP YOUR PRETTY LITTLE ASS PRINCESS, HUH! DO WE ROCK OR WHAT?!!!!”

The commander spread his arms wide, soaking up the applause as the room exploded into cheering.

“AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT, THE DESTRUCTION OF ALDERAAN WILL BE SHOWN IN FULL ON THE CINEMA DECK FROM 6PM THIS EVENING IN THEATRES 1 THRU 10 SO YOU GOT NO EXCUSE FOR MISSING IT PEOPLE! ALRIGHT!!! LETS HEAR IT FOR THE MOFF! HUH! HE IS ONE BAD ASS MO-FO LET ME TELL YA!” the Commander led the applause himself as a picture of the Grand Moff himself appeared on the view screen behind him.


“Now, let's get on to the-”



“EXCUSE ME!” a stormtrooper raised his hand at the back.


“You can't question the assignments - I haven't given them out yet!” the Commander said to a chuckling audience.


“Er...no I have a question about the Alderaan business...”


“Fine go ahead- as long as its not 'How-does-the-Death-Star-move-through-space- when- its- got- no -engines' he said in a childish voice dipping his head from side to side on each word


“Well its not that, though I did wonder that as well...”


“Look it just DOES, OK? Nobody is really sure how, but there it is, alright? It uses gravity and shit, ok? Now lets-”


“You ain't heard my actual question yet!” said the stormtrooper.


The Commander sighed heavily. “Is it important?”


“Er yeah, kinda...”


“Ok shoot” he said flapping his hands up in exasperation.


“Er, trooper J89, I was wonderi-”


“Wait, whats your full designation?”


“Er, just J89 – I'm one of the old hands...”


“I'll say! Sheesh, grandpa, you must have been there at the beginning! LETS HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR A CLONE WAR VET THEN SHALL WE?” The commander himself led the applause and then nodded towards J89. “ I bet you seen some shit go down in your time, huh? Sorry go ahead whats your question?”


“I saw us toast Alderaan through a window....”


“Well trooper, you had a front row seat! We just dropped out of warp and boom! Bye bye rebel sympathisers!!” everyone cheered and whooped apart from J89.


“Yeah... Well..thats all well and good ...but...well...”


“Spit it out J89!”


“Well, we rule the galaxy through fear and intimidation, right?”


“You said it J89!” the Commander beamed. “BUT YOU OF ALL TROOPERS SHOULD KNOW THAT! “ He soaked up the laughter at his little joke.


“Yeah...well, we impose the Imperial edicts through our reign of terror...”


“Right, so...I don't see where you are going with this...?”


“And part of the state apparatus for imposing that rule is an Imperial presence on every major populated planet in every system....”


“YE-ESSSS?” The Commander said as if acknowledging a child.


“So I just wanted a reassurance really,... that we DID evacuate the 20,000 guys in the 41st division that were garrisoning Alderaan? Because I'm pretty sure I didn't see any craft leaving, ya know? We just sort of turned up and fired... And I had a batch brother who was stationed there...and I got this odd little tweet from him...” he pulled out his cell phone and started to read“ Another bright and sunny day ruling the Empire! Holy shit a small moon just appeared! No shit! It just popped up out of nowhere into our orbi- AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!”


There was silence in the briefing room.


“He...probably just...dropped his coms on his foot or-or something...”


“But what about the 'moon' he saw?”

“Well, yes, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS US, I mean obviously he SAW US ARRIVE, and...and you know that surprised him and ...and he dropped his comms on to his foot as he was startled. That's all. That's all, that's what happened.”


“Our comm links are built into our helmets...” J89 said waving his cell with the Tweet on “this is just to show you guys...”


“Well...ok then he … Ah! I got it! He saw us arrive, thought 'What the hell is that ?' And took his helmet off for a better look and...-and then dropped it in the hurry to board the hundreds of evacuation shuttles that we had sent in advance that took off from the planet on the FAR side, so you couldn't see them take off...”


“Well, how come I can't-”


“YOU CAN'T CONTACT HIM BECAUSE HE AND THE WHOLE OF THE 41ST DIVISION are... are actually on a top secret mission for the Emperor!” The commander finished triumphantly.


“Well...how long is this mission gonna last exactly? Its my 25 year service award next month - he and I were gonna meet up, have us a few brewskis....maybe check out that Chalmuns cantina I've heard so much about on Tattooine....”


“OH YOU'LL LOVE IT! They got this great Blues band-” a nearby trooper began.


“QUIET YOU! You've been nothing but trouble since you transferred here!” barked the commander then turned back to J89 “ Its...its a secret I'm afraid! You know how secret missions are , hush hush and all that! Just can't say how long he'll be gone, I'm afraid. “


“Wouldn't be a secret suicide mission that he's on by any chance?” J89 asked, drily.


“YES!!! YES THATS PERFECT! I MEAN, ER....I can't say its a secret...” The commander added hurriedly, looking away guiltily.


“So let me get this straight...20,000 guys are evacuated IN SECRET at the same instant that we turn up and destroy the planet that they are based on ...and immediately go on a SECRET SUICIDE MISSION ...that you can't tell us about...that they aren't ever going to come back from, is that right?”


“Look I can't confirm OR DENY the existence OR otherwise of the secret suicide mission because then it wouldn't be a secret, would it?”


“But you're the one who brought it up in the first place!”


“Well, forget you heard it from me.” the commander tapped the side of his nose.” Its a super-duper secret.”


“You're full o' shit...” mumbled J89.


“WHAT DID YOU SAY TROOPER?” raged the Commander.


“I said the Force is strong in you, sir!” J89 responded crisply.


“Oh ...well,... in that case fine, lets carry on with the patrol assignments then shall we?”


“Yeah its so strong in you I can smell it a mile off...” J89 said quietly.


“YOU GOT SOMETHING TO ADD , J89?”


“NO SIR! JUST LONG LIVE THE EMPEROR, SIR!”


“Yes... well...we all wish that for our glorious leader.”


“Yep, we all do or else we might find ourselves on a super duper secret suicide mission....” added J89 in a whisper.


“Err...could I ask something too?” asked another trooper hesitantly.


The commander sighed. “ SURE! <cos its not like we are in a dictatorship or anything>” He added under his breath.


“Well, it leads on from J89 really..I just wanted to ask....Are we expendable to the Empire at all? 'cos I for one don't feel valued at all right now...” there was a chorus of awkward 'Yeah's' and 'Me too' and 'Same here'.


Sensing he was losing the room the Commander waved them down placatingly.


“Now, now! No! No fellas thats-No guys. I am here to reassure you that YOU ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY INTRINSIC TO THE EMPIRE! YOU ARE OUR NUMBER ONE ASSET! ABSOLUTELY, NO QUESTION! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!”


“I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE STORMTROOPER BATTALIONS!” joked one wag at the back, to a chorus of laughter and the Commander knew the awkward moment had passed.


“Ha ha! Yeah, YOU GOT ME, I do but its all true! Honestly, WE DON'T HAVE AN EMPIRE WITH OUT YOU GUYS! REALLY!”


“I certainly don't feel valued...” one trooper piped up.


“YEAH? WELL... SCREW YOU!”the Commander bellowed, losing his cool. “You and J89 can patrol corridor 57b on deck 521, green sector! HA! How do you feel now, Mr-I'm-Not-Valued?!!!”


“Aw crap! Thats the one with the tractor beam housing? That octagonal power coupling thing? Shit! Nothing ever happens down there...”


“And there's no safety rail! I tell you that place is an accident waiting to happen” J89 added. “I mean why the hell is it on an inaccessible island above a sheer drop anyway? Why isn't it in a room with 'Tractor Beam' on the door? We've lost 2 maintenance droids already when a freak gust of wind blew them off...”


“Where the hell did the wind come from on a space station, that's what I'd like to know?!!” said his companion trooper


“I said it was a freak...” said J89.


“You're a freak, pissing off the commander with that Alderaan backchat..”


“You're a freak, getting' me friggin' corridor guard duty. I mean, what the hell are we supposed to be guarding it against anyhow?”


“Other corridors? I dunno.”


“Other cor-? Sir, can I do it with someone else?” J89 asked.


“NO. Now get lost you two and guard that impractically designed piece of vital equipment.”


“What if there is a sudden noise from nearby , should we go and look at what it might be?”


“Sure, go ahead. Just make sure you go for an inordinate length of time.”


The two troopers trudged for the exit exchanging frantic whispers before they stopped and turned back to face the stage.


“ERM?” J89 raised a hand.


“WHAT NOW?!!!” asked the Commander in exasperation.


“Err, well how do we get there, Sir?”


“WHAT??!!!!”


“Well its a big space station-”


REALLY big” added his companion.”Its like a small moon.”


“Yeah, REALLY BIG and well, there's no deck plans anywhere...ya know...it ought to have those colour plans on each floor like at the Mall. Ya know, 'You are here' sorta thing...”


“Oh for the love of Vader...”sighed the Commander. “You! Show him!” He pointed to J89's companion.


“I don't know either. I'm not even sure which deck we are on at the moment...”


“OH FOR-! YOU! SHOW THOSE TWO CLOWNS WHERE IT IS” he pointed to a nearby trooper.


ME?” the Trooper pointed at his own chest. “Er...I don't know either, sir”


“Oh, for the Empire's sake! YOU? NO? HOW ABOUT YOU?” He indicated other troopers who each shook their heads. "DOES ANYONE KNOW?" He was answered by an embarrassed silence.


“He's right, sir, there ought to be plans of the layout on each deck. Big ones.”


“DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET THERE? ...NO ONE?... Unbelievable...” the Commander flapped his arms up incredulously.”Well how the hell do you guys get around?”


“We tend to go in a squad sir ...otherwise we get lost.”


“Yeah, that's why you see us marching around in squads down the corridors all the time. X754J needs the John, we all go as a squad. KI 45-9 wants a hot dog, we all go as a squad....”


“How do you even know where to go?” the Commander asked in disbelief.


“We just tend to follow a cleaning droid on each floor until sooner or later we end up where we need to be ...”


“Usually later” one of them added.


“Ok. Change of plan. Station orientation classes to start immediately for all personnel, attendance compulsory...” the Commander declared. “And for the record, there ARE deck plans.”


“Yeah but its like one every twenty floors, and then its really small. We need the big poster sized ones...”


“Yeah and they aren't colour coded...”


The door slid open and the menacing dark shadow of Lord Vader filled the doorway. As one, the room came stiffly to attention.


“LORD VADER! THIS IS AN HONOUR SIR! NO ONE TOLD ME YOU WOULD BE ATTENDING, MY APOLOGIES I-”


“Oh – er....as you were Commander. This is a bit embarrassing....I was just looking for the Gents... can't find a damn thing on this space station. It ought to have those colour-coded deck plans like they have in the mall at Mos Eisley...”
Last edited by tallyho 6 years ago, edited 5 times in total.
How strange are the ways of the gods ...........and how cruel.

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Fan-friggin'-tastic! More!More!More!More!More!More!More!More!More!More!More! Loved it all!
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tallyho
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ARE YOU EASILY LEAD? OR PERHAPS EASILY MISLEAD?

DO YOU HATE WALLS SO BAD YOU WANNA SHOOT THEM UP? EVERY CHANCE YOU GET?

DO YOU EVER GET THE URGE TO INVESTIGATE INSIGNIFICANT SOUNDS IN EMPTY CORRIDORS AND THEN NOT COME BACK TO YOUR POST?

WELL, IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ALL THOSE OR EVEN JUST THE FIRST ONE, WHY NOT BECOME AN

IMPERIAL STORMTROOPER!!!
WE'LL EVEN LET YOU DRESS UP AS A GHOST ON HALLOWEEN!
sw join empire.JPG
sw join empire.JPG (92.81 KiB) Viewed 4269 times
AND WE GOT SPACE BABES TOO!
sw see galaxy.JPG
sw see galaxy.JPG (84.33 KiB) Viewed 4269 times

So what are you waiting for?
sw bringing order.jpeg
sw bringing order.jpeg (54.83 KiB) Viewed 4269 times

(NOT MY WORK I HASTEN TO ADD BUT I WILL BE POSTING OTHERS I HAVE FOUND AS I THINK THEY ARE BRILLIANT!)
How strange are the ways of the gods ...........and how cruel.

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tallyho
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“Ah! Vader! Good ! Come on in.”

“Grand Moff”

“Oh, please when we are alone you can call me GMT”

“I’m not sure that’s appropriate Grand Moff…”

“Oh nonsense! Please ! GMT – I insist.”

“Very well. GMT”

“Splendid! Take a seat.”

“A what?”

“A seat Vader, a seat! Take a seat. Sit down.”

“Oh..erm, forgive me Grand Moff I am not used to sitting down. I tend to stand everywhere I go, makes me more intimidating…”

“GMT! Please! And oh, I see…well as its just us, why don’t you give it a try? Here, go on, I insist.”

“Oh well in that case…” Vader took a seat opposite the Grand Moff’s desk.

“Better?”

“Oh…oh yes that’s…that’s rather pleasant, isn’t it? Oh…yes, I could get used to this! I've stood everywhere I've gone for 40 years! No wonder my feet were killing me! That must be why I like my meditation chamber so much - I actually get a chance to put my feet up!”

“That’s nothing! “ The Grand Moff jumped up excitedly. “Try mine! It’s the executive model!”

“Well I don’t know…”

“No go on! Give it a try! If you liked the chairs I keep for the stooges, you will LOVE the bosses chair!” Tarkin hurried around to stand behind it and patted the back. ”C’,mon slow coach! Park those leather clad buttocks of yours!” He patted it again.

“Well…”

“Its called the EMPEROR model….” Tarkin said smugly “Not that I want him overthrown or anything… or should I say over THRONE! Ha ha! You know like in the chair!”

“Oh yes, very good Sir. I mean…GMT” Vader sat down hesitantly.

There was a protracted pause.

“Oh, oh I say! This is …this is splendid!”

“Isn’t it though?! Tarkin said proudly. “Made from real Bantha leather, stuffed with Gungan earskin – nothing better!”

“Oh…oh this is sooo comfy!”

“Give it a spin…”

“Oh no I couldn’t…”

“Sure you can Vader – GO FOR IT!” Tarkin said brightly.

“Oh well if you insist…WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Vader kicked himself around in a fast spin

“Fabulous isn’t it?!”

“WHEEEEE! LOOK! I’m going faster!!!!”

“That’s the way!”

“OOOOooop…ooop oh, no! I’d better stop! Think I’m going to throw up in my helmet!” Vader slowed himself down and hunched forward over the desk.

“Oh dear! Too much excitement I expect. Take a moment. Would you like some water?”

“No no I’ll be fine.” Vader looked up and froze. “Is…is that an intercom?”

“Yes to my assistant, Doreen.”

“OH! OH! CAN I USE IT?!!!”

“Sure, be my guest.

“I’ve ALWAYS wanted to have a secretary of my own. But I haven't even got an office,” Vader coughed to clear his throat. “This button?” Tarkin nodded.

“HUUUUUU….HUHHHHHH…..HUUUUUUU” Vader breathed heavily after pressing the intercom, then covered his mask grill as he snickered.

“Sir?” Said Doreen on the other end.

“MISSSSSS….” Vader looked at Tarkin who mouthed ‘PORTLAND’ “Port…Land….THISSSS….ISSSS….LORD…VADER…”

The fear on the other end of the line was palpable.”S-sir?”

“MISSSS PORTLAND….”

“Y-YES LORD VADER?”

“GET ME MILK AND OREOS …NOW!!!”

“YES SIR, LORD VADER - STRAIGHT AWAY!!!”

Vader fell about clutching his sides ”HA-HA! I have always wanted to do that!”

Tarkin smiled “What on Scarif is an OREO?”

“I-I-I DON’T KNOW! I MADE IT UP! HA HA! “ Vader panted. “Let’s see what she brings shall we? HA HA!!!”

“Ah! Good one Vader, Good one.”

“Oh please GMT , if we are being informal you can use my first name…” Vader flapped a hand dismissively as he slowly recovered his composure.

“Tarkin frowned “Anakin?”

Vader grew sombre. “No. I do not go by that name any longer”

“Oh sorry”

“Use the name I changed it too when I became a Darth…”

“Er….?”

“Spacein. You can call me Spacein.”

“Spacein …Vader?”

“Yes. It was intended as a little joke but no one seems to use it. I’m always Lord or Darth or just Vader.”Vader said sadly. “No one ever asks me my first name.”

“Oh well never mind I will call you that now – ‘Spacein’ . Very good. “Vader seemed to brighten behind the mask, raising his helmet and nodding, giving a little chuckle

“Soo, Spacein, whats news on the old interrogation front? Has that rebel bitch broken yet?”

“Ah you mean the princess. She’s made of sterner stuff than we imagined, I’m afraid.”

“Well, what have you done to her?”

“Well first we put her in holding cell 28, the one with the REALLY uncomfortable mattress…”

“Excellent”

“And we didn’t give her a blanket OR A PILLOW.”

“Harsh but these are difficult times…”

“Then we have only fed her at meal times….no snacks for her!”

“Standard procedure. Good. After three days of regular meals and no treats she must be about ready to crack…”

“Well we thought so, but no.”

“No?”

“No, GMT. So then we took away her TV,”

“Good! She broke then?

“Regrettably no, Grand Moff. So we put another prisoner in next to her cell playing loud music all the time.”

“That’ll teach the bitch” Moff Tarkin said appreciatively.

“She started singing ‘Lets all have a disco’ and dancing along to it”

“CURSE THESE REBEL SCUM!”

“So we made sure she was plunged into darkness at least 50% of the time – we turned her lights off every 12 hours…”

Tarkin nodded his approval. Plunging her into a ridiculous scenario of such long days and nights would surely break anyone.

“I even did THIS!” Vader turned his head to face Tarkin.

There was a long pause as Tarkin stared at the expressionless mask.

“Is...is that the …?”

“SEVERE LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL!” Vader said, slightly dismayed

“Yes yes! That was what I was just about to say! You JUST beat me too it. It was VERY GOOD, Spacein, very... disapproving. Well done. Well done, indeed. Good work!”

“She still didn't break. Finally we got out the little drill needle thing…”

“Oh god no!”

Vader nodded. “Had to be done. We even put it on the highest setting where the whirry-whine REALLY gets on your nerves - but she was unphased by it. Burnt the drill out in the end.”

“NO!”

“YES! Turned out she had these big round earmuffs made of hair coiled over her ears, protected her the whole time”

“Damn her! I thought those coils were her own hair!”

“So did we – when we searched them we found a zippo and a packet of Marlboro lights hidden in there as well.”

“The ingenuity of these rebels is staggering, staggering.” Tarkin shook his head. “I have a notion. Put the tv back in her room…and set it to only play FOX…”

“I’m pretty sure that breaks interstellar conventions GMT…”

“I know. But do it anyway. We are the bad guys after all…” he chuckled

The door opened and Doreen entered carrying a tray with milk and oreos on.

“As you wish Grand Moff. I’ve tried everything else. I’m at my wits end.”

“My dear chap you must be exhausted. Here – lets see what we have –“ Tarkin looked over at the tray of dark round circles sandwiching cream. “These are ‘oreos’?”

Doreen nodded looking awkwardly at Vader.

“Oh. We didn’t think they were a thing. I’m afraid we were just pulling your leg a little” Tarkin told her. “But she’s a marvellous secretary. If anyone can find the impossible its Doreen.”

Vader dipped his in the milk then crushed it. He flipped a switch on the side of his control panel from ‘blow’ to ‘suck’ then with a shwwwoooop noise, the soggy crumbs disappeared into slats in his triangular mouth covering.

There was the sound of soggy chomping.

“Hmmmn theses are really rather good…Dewback milk?” Doreen nodded.

“So what exactly are ‘Oreos’ “ Vader said with a chuckle.

“Rancor black scrotal disks, with solidified sperm between them” Doreen said helpfully. “It’s a delicacy on Tattooine apparently. I had to look it up”

A spray of vomitus shot out from between Vader’s mouth slats, only to get 10 inches into the room stop in mid-air and then…


“OH NO ITS STILL ON SUCK!” Tarkin cried as it disappeared back into the mouth slats.

Doreen pulled a horrified expression “The barf is strong in this one...” she said under her breath.
How strange are the ways of the gods ...........and how cruel.

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This is amazing. I loooove this!

What a great idea this is - I kind of want to pilfer the idea of the minion-eye-view going on here. I was laughing out loud reading this.

More! More!
Lost in the night, and there is no morning.
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“Feeling better old chap?” Tarkin asked with sincere concern, a worried frown on his face.


“Y-yes. Yes thank you.” Vader said politely. “NOW! Where is SHEEEEEEEE?” he stood, spun on his heel and wiped a chunk of Rancor scrotal disc from his helmet mouth slats.


The hapless Doreen stood rooted to the spot as Vader raised his hand in a claw and was about to close the fingers when Tarkin stopped him.


“VADER!! NO!!!” he grasped Vader's gauntleted forearm .”GET OUT DOREEN, I'LL BUZZ IF I NEED YOU”


“YOUR SSSSSSECRETARY KNEW WHAT WAS IN THOSE COOKIES! YET SHE STILL SERVED THEM TO USSSSSS!!” Vader hissed


“Yes but we had ASKED HER for them. Don't you see? She was only obeying orders” Tarkin sighed heavily. “You moan about people not obeying orders all the time!”


“Yessss, but she could have warned usssss” Vader said somewhat calmer.


“Well, perhaps. But as that may be, this incident highlights something I wanted to talk to you about.” He sighed heavily again. “Sit down won't you Vader?”


“Spacein, please. GMT”


“No this is a bit more formal than our earlier chat, Vader.”


“Oh?”


“Yes...” Vader sat down and the Grand Moff perched on the corner of the desk casually, one foot on the floor and his arms resting on his other thigh. “ Its about this -” he raised a hand in a claw like gesture and wiggled it irritably “Force business.”


“Yessssss.....?”


“Well, I know discipline is important and is hard to keep in the ranks and all that, but my dear chap you keep on doing that chokey thing you do and we won't have any command staff left!”


“I have only choked incompetent foolsssss who have repeatedly failed me AND the Emperor...”


“Now come on! Thats not entirely true, is it?”


“What do you meeeeean, Tarkin?” Vader said rising.


“Well what about Barry?”


“Barry?”


“Yes Barry, you remember him, life and soul of the party. Dressed as a Rancor at the Christmas fancy dress do. You remember Barry, always joking, always smilling. Real tonic in the Imperial Officers mess. Always brightened the mood. He did that wonderful impression of the emperor, you remember him, surely?!!”


“Oh yes Barry! On the Command Staff, that Barry? Not Barry with the dog, the other one? Yessss?” Vader queried. “Thin Barry?”


“Yes thats him!”


“Oh yes I remember him now! Haven't seen him for months, what about him?”


“YOU CHOKED HIM, VADER!””


“I DID ? WHENNNNNN?”


“Couple of weeks back.”


“Oh, was he the one who said I walked funny?”


“No. That was Meyers. I'm talking about Barry Potts”


“Oh was that the one I choked for looking at me in a funny way?”


“NO ! Barry was the one who made the joke about your cape.”


“He had to die for the sake of the Empire....”


“All he said was 'I didn't know capes were back in fashion'”


“I only crushed his windpipe a little I can't be held responsible for his weakened physicality...”


“Vader, crushing his windpipe didnt kill him.” Tarkin sighed ..”It was when you flicked your wrist and hurled him against the bulkhead, breaking his back, that did for him!”


“Ah! Ah now I remember!” Vader raised a finger. “ That was an accident Grand Moff! I mean the choking was real and deliberate but I didn't intend to kill him.”


“Well, why hurl him against the wall like that?!!”!


“Well, I was doing the usual Force-power thing and then this fly started buzzing around me and I just flicked the wrist to shoo it away and the next thing you know Barry flies across the room into the girder!”


“Oh. Oh I see, that is unfortunate. But you've got to rein in this Force Choke business, its having a really bad affect on morale. We put the notice out about a vacancy on the command staff and we didn't have a single applicant! Not one!” Tarkin shook his head. “They are all bricking it about upsetting you and getting choked.”


Vader chuckled “FEAR ISSSS THE PATH TO THE DARKSSSSSIDE....”


“Yes, yes, that's all well and good but the Dark side doesn't get the Starships from A to B now does it? We need Staff Vader, we need Admirals and Generals to command Star Destroyers and the like! For the Emperor's sake, we might end up having to get agency staff in and you know what they are like! Charge a damned fortune!! Or worse! Bloody consultants! And the DeathStar is due to be audited next week! They are going to be looking at our budgets VERY closely, Vader, very closely indeed. This space station costs a fortune and they are desperate to save money wherever they can. If we can't fill the staff in post roles internally they might well put a ban on recruitment to save cash and THEN where will we be, hmnnn? Under manned Vader, undermanned!”


“I ssssseeeeee...”


“I'm not sure you do Vader. Its bad enough that quality control never noticed that the design specs for this station never had any engines in it – if the auditors find out we need 15 Star Destroyers to tow this base from place to place they'll go berserk!- but if it looks like we can't even attract the right calibre of staff into key roles – well I needn't tell you what might happen....”


Vader shuddered.” Uuuuugggghhhh...training away days on staff recruitment and development....”


“EXACTLY! So for all our sakes, go easy on the choking, hmmn?”


“Righty-oh, Grand Moff”


“Good, good. Still I don't know what we are going to do about Barry's replacement...”


“Well, if they won't apply for the role...how about forced promotions?”


“What users of the Force you mean?” Tarkin frowned.


“No no, FORCED not FORCE. We MAKE people Admirals and such”


“Oh. Oh I see. Well, that's hardly ideal. I've always favoured the best man for the job. It doesn't bode well if we have lesser calibre staff in senior roles...”


“But it need only be for a week whilst we get audited...”


“Of course! Oh that's perfect! We can get rid of some of the poorer officers in the station – send them off to command a Star Destroyer or whatever, promote up some of the more abler ones from the Fleet to serve here, ... Yes. Yes, that'll work splendidly!” Tarkin said brightly, his mood lifting.


“Will that be all, Grand Moff...?” Vader said making to leave.


“Yes..Oh! Oh no wait! I remembered. There was one other matter I needed to have a word with you about...”


“Oh?”


“Yes ...its ...your um...er...whatchya call it..” he gestured to Vader's control panel on his suit at his chest.


Vader looked down “My Suits environmental control unit? What about it?”


“Well... do you have to have it playing the same damned music every time you go anywhere? It gets on the nerves after a while old chap...”


“Thats the idea, it announces my presence ssstriking fear into the heartssss of the Rebelsss” Vader clenched a fist in the air.


“Thats all well and good but this is an IMPERIAL base – there are no rebels here. All it does is annoy the guys at the coalface. I mean look at this - “ Tarkin emptied a stainless steel box onto the table and a huge pile of little slips of paper fell out.


“This is the suggestion box from mess hall 6. 'Please stop Vaders' theme music, its getting on my nerves' and another 'I can't stand that bloody music of Vader's anymore, please make it stop'...'Vader's music is dreadful..' 'Can't concentrate when Vader comes in because of his bloody music' ...'Why can't Stormtroopers have lightsabres..' Oh well thats not about you, forget that one...'Vader is cool and smart and I love his musical entrances, they lift morale'”


“AH HA! THATS A GOOD ONE!” Cried Vader jubilantly.


“Its in YOUR handwriting...” the Grand Moff said leaving an awkward silence

“Look I'm not against you having your own theme , old chap, but does it have to be so loud? Maybe you could just turn it down a notch eh? Is it this one here?” The Grand Moff tweaked a knob on the control panel and Vader instantly started to choke, spinning it back up.


“THATS THE AIRFLOW!” he gasped.


“Oh I'm frightfully sorry old chap!” Tarkin said mortified. He pressed another and a tape deck opened.


“Good lord! Eight track tapes! I thought they had stopped years ago!”


“Stop pushing buttons , please!” Vader hissed angrily flapping away Tarkin's hand.


Tarkin held up his palms, placatingly. “Sorry! Sorry! I'll leave it to you.”


Vader reluctantly removed the tape with a heavy sigh.


“Look you don't have to get rid of it!” Tarkin reassured him. “You can keep it BUT ONLY USE IT WHEN YOU ARE OFF THE STATION, OK? Deal?”


“Very well, Grand Moff, it issss indeeeed a deeeeeal.”


“Good, Good. Well I am glad that's settled. There was one other thing... and I am only saying this because I am your friend....”


“Yessssssss?”


“Well, don't you think its about time you had a new helmet? All the clone troopers upgraded years ago, and they much prefer it. You've had that one twenty years! Technology has moved on in that time, Vader. You can get ones with built in wiFi now. Or maybe...lose... the.... cape?”


“WHAAAAAATTTTTT??!!!!”


“NOW NOW VADER, CALM DOWN IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION, THAT'S ALL!”


“My helmet and mask and cape define who I AM!!!”


“Well...sort of.... but honestly you go everywhere with a Star destroyer in tow and of course there's your theme music...I am pretty sure people know its you anyway. So...you know, why not a change of colour, brighten the place up a bit, perhaps? Just a suggestion. Black is just well...so gloomy.”


“Its very slimming.”

“Ye-es, but honestly old chap you are pretty trim anyhow! No one says 'Oh look Vader's a bit porky' as you go past...”


“BECAUSE I'D CHOKE THEM!” Vader clenched his fist in the air.


“Yes-yes but my point is they DON'T say that so no need to choke anybody is there? A change of colour might lighten your mood is all, and be a bit of a morale boost...you know ...after all the choking...”


Vader let out a heavy sigh. “You've bought me one for Christmas haven't you....?”


“H-how?” Tarkin said amazed.“How on Scarif could you possibly know that? I-it was a surprise”


“You under estimate the POWER of the Darkside.” Vader said clenching his fist in the air as he always did when he mentioned power. “And besides....I felt your presents....PRESENTS GET IT? Ha ha ha-ha ha ha!” Vader clutched his sides doubling up at his own joke.


“Sorry?” Tarkin said baffled.


“I-I felt YOUR PRESENTS! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!” Vader gasped crying with laughter.


“Oh. Oh yes I see – a Force joke. Very good Vader. Tell me is, that FORCED laughter coming from
you? Hahahahaha!!!” Tarkin said as Vader fell silent.


After a while Tarkin fell silent too.


“I'd best get back to the interrogation...” Vader said to break the awkward silence.


“Yes..yes, very well Vader. Oh I nearly forgot. Cocktails in the Officers mess at 1900 hours? Its Ronnie's birthday...”


“Ronnie?”


“Ronnie Ozzel, its sort of a double party really as I can tell him he's now an Admiral of the fleet. And you are NOT to choke him Vader, understood?”


“Very well, Grand Moff. I shall be there.”


“Oh and its casual dress not full dress uniform Vader....”


Vader froze in the doorway.


“Just a joke...” Tarkin said awkwardly.


“Very nearly....” Vader said before he stormed out, making a point of loudly reinserting the tape, hitting play on his chest panel and turning up the volume to max as two Troopers in the corridor stood rigidly to attention..


When he had gone Tarkin hit the intercom. “Doreeen...?”


“Yessir?”


“I don't suppose you still have the receipt for that blue short cape you got for me from the mall in Mos Eisley do you....?”
Last edited by tallyho 5 years ago, edited 2 times in total.
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DrDominator9
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Tarkin is wasted as Battle Commander. He should be in the Diplomatic Corps. Very funny stuff as usual, Tally. Thanks. Though I think Barry deserved his cho...UUURGGHH... GAAGGKKK!! No...no..you were right. My bad. Gotta go shine the Death Star Tow Clamp. Later.
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Abductorenmadrid
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I can imagine Peter Cushing's voice as he berates Vader while imitating a "force choke" with his clawed hand ....
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THIS ISNT MY WORK AND IS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STORY BUT ITS COOL AND FUN AND I THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT LIKE IT
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SW BASEBALL.gif (7.07 MiB) Viewed 2744 times
I love the way they all drop their gear in unison.

Bravo to the original creator, whoever he or she may be
How strange are the ways of the gods ...........and how cruel.

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LOL! Nice!
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Abductorenmadrid
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tallyho wrote:
6 years ago
THIS ISNT MY WORK AND IS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STORY BUT ITS COOL AND FUN AND I THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT LIKE IT

SW BASEBALL.gif

I love the way they all drop their gear in unison.

Bravo to the original creator, whoever he or she may be
Was recently reminded of this fun story ... will there be more?! :w00t:
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Never heard that routine. I'm a huge Eddie Izzard fan. Thanks for this, Tallyho. A great light moment worth the time to watch.
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