The Ultimate Superheroines Forum

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I thought the introduction of Supergirl here had some really, really fine prose in it. It was vivid, dramatic, and appropriately titillating. There's definitely some real skill in your writing, and it set the scene and the character pretty perfectly. Even just the way you described the street and the passageway she ran into - okay yeah, it's an alley for a fight, but you give it enough character to feel like a real place. An excellent beginning.

One thing I did notice in your prose was perhaps an overabundance of adverbs. I think sentences tend to flow better with as few adverbs as possible, and sometimes they're a little redundant here. When Supergirl "demanded" that the guy give her the bag, I don't think you need to say she "demanded forcefully." When the guy "sticks out his tongue" and in the same sentence "fondles his crotch" I don't think you need to say that he stuck his tongue out "lecherously" - the word also recurs within only a couple of paragraphs, which is noticeable when it's such a strong description.

Thanks for the comment. You're right about the adverb thing. My editor (me!) also failed to catch the fact that I used lecherously twice. Ughh. I start too many sentences with "The" too, and then when I read it over it makes me cringe. I appreciate the constructive criticism. How do you feel about using italics to denote Supergirl's inner monologue?

Bert wrote: ↑

3 years ago

Thanks for the comment. You're right about the adverb thing. My editor (me!) also failed to catch the fact that I used lecherously twice. Ughh. I start too many sentences with "The" too, and then when I read it over it makes me cringe. I appreciate the constructive criticism. How do you feel about using italics to denote Supergirl's inner monologue?

How do I feel about it? I shouldn't be surprised if I start doing it myself.

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Bert’s Supergirl adventure included a creative plot design that given the classical superheroine character into a unique story. As a superheroine, Krissy is a brave and smart girl, but she still young, inexperience, and easy to shakes her confidence in her adventure. A fabulous plot design is about her superpower is not too strong to make herself beaten bad guy’s ass easily -- it well balanced the forces between superheroine and her foes. Also, the first chapter of this story made a compact but impressive introduction and the twist at the end of the chapter two implies a trap. I cannot wait to see how few culprits dare to set a trap which intends to capture our heroine.

Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

What a great surprise to log in and find this story, out of the blue! Bert, if anything, I think your combat descriptions and setting of scenes are both even stronger than before. And I've always loved Krissy's mix of spunk and a bit of innocence. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Aw, thanks man! That means a lot. I hope you will be okay with where this one is going. My next story about this character will be more combat oriented again, but this one is going to be a bit different.

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I very much enjoyed this story!

Loved how, by studying her IFC matches, Lothario and his thugs were able to take the SG down. Wouldn’t have minded their having their way with her to have been dragged out a little bit more, in more detail, but still, it was very exciting!

Rather than “The End”, I very much prefer Krissy sort of recovering to delve deeper into the intrigue you have now created. Bert, you simply must continue this story!

Thanks for the kind words! I do intend to continue writing stories about this character. This installment has taken her to a pretty low place in several different ways, which will inform decisions she makes going forward. The next story will be longer and involve a vengeful Supergirl challenging a resurgent Arthur Northram. Warning: there may be a fight scene or two!

And yeah Jenn, I know you'd have preferred a more extended sexual domination. To be honest it's not exactly my thing so I don't tend to dwell on that area too much. I think the threat of sexual peril is an exciting part of SHIP and I recognize that there's an audience for more explicit stuff, but the level depicted here is about as far as I'm prepared to go. Hopefully that's not too much of a bummer.