A Sample of a Batgirl in Peril Story for Critique

[gbanneriii]

**Investigating the mysterious disappearance of several prominent stage actors, Batgirl has traced their last known whereabouts to Gotham's famous Shandling Theater. After questioning the theater's Heiress, Mrs. Victoria Shandling, Batgirl was led to an area where the hostess told her she would CERTAINLY find some answers.....

"Right over there Batgirl." Mrs. Shandling said, pointing to an area of the floor behind the concession stand. Batgirl carefully walked over to where Mrs. Shandling had guestured. Suddenly, the floor opened from beneath her and the heroine fell six feet down, landing in a huge vat of un-popped popcorn kernels. 

"Mrs. Shandling!" Shouted Batgirl as she struggled to stay 'afloat' in the kernel filled vat.

'Steady!' Thought Batgirl. 'I must remain VERY still to keep from sinking deeper!' Batgirl then tried to steady herself and find a reasonably stable position. 'Must slowly spread my arms and legs and lean back.' Thought the dare doll as she recalled her quicksand survival training.

Meanwhile Mrs. Shandling, Flora and Fauna were walking down from the platform above. "Where did she go?" Asked Fauna.

"The trap door released her into the hopper for the popcorn maker." Mrs. Shandling replied with a smile. "She's probably already sunk into the corn." She grinned, approaching the opened doors on top of the vat. 

At that same time, Franklin, carrying two large jugs and a long pole, was approaching from the other direction to meet the ladies above the vat.

"Well," Mrs. Shandling smiled, looking down at the hapless heroine as she struggled to stay head and shoulders out of the corn. "Most impressive Batgirl, you've managed to keep from sinking to the bottom of my popcorn trough! As you are obviously, keenly aware, even the slightest movement will cause you to sink straightaway!" She concluded with a giggle.

"You think keeping me prisoner in this sinister silo will help you accomplish your diabolical deeds!?" Barked Batgirl.

"Oh, no, no, no my dear, I have NO intentions of keeping anyone prisoner!" Mrs. Shandling evilly grinned. "You see Batgirl, this is NOT simply a 10 foot deep container of buttery popcorn kernels, it is a giant popcorn POPPER!" 

"A Malicious Movie Snack TRAP!" Batgirl yelped, struggling to keep from disappearing in the mix.

"Malicious indeed!" Mrs. Shandling dismissively sighed. "This machine was put here when the theater was built in the 1920's, it can pop enough popcorn to feed the entire audience in ONE cycle!" 

"How efficient!" Batgirl huffed.

"As will be your demise dear Batgirl!" Mrs. Shandling smiled. "At the bottom of the trough is a large screen that oscillates, causing the kernels to churn. Once we activate the agitator even your knowledge of quicksand survival won't help you!" 

Franklin nodded, smiling as he looked down at the emperilled beauty, standing with his arms crossed. 

"As the slick, buttery kernels begin to quiver," Mrs. Shandling continued, "your luscious body will be sucked beneath the surface!" Her explaination drew laughter from Flora and Fauna and a wider smile from the usually stern Franklin. 

"You diabolical...." Batgirl growled.

"But wait my dear Batgirl," Chuckled Mrs. Shandling. "Not only will you sink into the kernel mix, but the popper will jet hot air through the grating below to heat and pop the kernels!"

"Oh Mrs. Shandling," Flora sang, smiling, "what a delicious way to do away with the dynamic darling!" 

"Care to guess how hot it's about to get in there Batgirl?" Asked Franklin with a smile.

"The temperature required to super-heat the water inside a popcorn kernel enough to make it pop is 356 degrees Fahrenheit." Batgirl accurately replied, immediately wiping the smug grin from her captor's face.

"Impressive as always, Batgirl." Mrs. Shandling chuckled. "Although I don't think you'll have to worry too much about the heat." She paused and smiled, surveying her captive's hopeless dilemma. "You'll certainly suffocate before you cook! Franklin dear," Mrs. Shandling directed, "please see to it that our guest is sufficiently buttered and salted before we ...... POP her!" 

The women all laughed as Franklin poured melted butter into his long ladle and positioned it over the caped crusader. "Hold your breath Batgirl!" Franklin grinned as he slowly poured the buttery mix onto Batgirl's head and shoulders. After bringing the ladle back out of the vat, he filled it with salt and repeated his dispensing process on the helpless heroine. 

After Franklin's devilish dousing, Batgirl was trying to wipe the sticky, gritty mix from her face causing her to become more unsteady in her attempts to stay 'afloat'. This prompted chuckles and smiles from the women as Franklin approached the machine's main controls. 

"Well my dear Batgirl," sighed Mrs. Shandling with a smile. "It's time we say goodbye." She then motioned toward Franklin who was now waiting at the switches. "We've got a lot of hungry guests in the audience tonight, let's not keep them waiting!" 

With that, Franklin started the agitator causing the buttery kernels to percolate around the deadlocked damsel. Batgirl furiously struggled to remain buoyant but as the oscillator continued it's unrelenting cycle, the feat became hopeless. 

"Look at her wobble!" Giggled Flora as she, her sister and Mrs. Shandling stood above the trough watching the heroine flounder in their trap. 

"See ladies?" Mrs. Shandling smiled, pointing at Batgirl as she sank down to her chin, "sinking into buttery OBLIVION!" 

While the women watched and laughed at the heroine's plight, a low, whirling sound emanated from below the trough. From where they were standing, (several feet above the surface of the kernel vat), the women could feel the heat from the popper jets as it blew from the bottom of the swirling mix. 

"Look!" Fauna smiled and clapped, gesturing toward the struggling damsel as she sank down further. "There she goes!" 

"Say goodbye girls." Mrs. Shandling smiled, watching Batgirl try to keep her nose above the turbulent, steaming surface. 

Flora and Fauna both sweetly smiled and waved, bending down and blowing 'goodbye' kissess to the dare doll as she sank further, now with only her eyes above the surface. 

Mrs. Shandling watched with a smile that glowed with sadistic satisfaction as the Caped Crusader disappeared into the depths of the hot, swirling stew. A plume of steam emerged from the spot where the helpless heroine had just been enveloped.

Franklin returned from the control panel and closed the trough doors above the popcorn popper. Small puffs of steam seeped out of the sides of the popper as the mix continued heating. The smell of hot, buttery popcorn was quickly filling the room. Franklin looked at a temperature gauge on the top of the vat and smiled. 

"Well.." Said Mrs. Shandling, looking at Franklin with a sinister half-smile.

"140 degrees and climbing FAST!" he reported with a grin. 

"Lovely!" Smiled Mrs. Shandling. "I think it's safe to say the Dynamic Damsel is now deliciously DEFUNCT!" All the villains laughed as the temperature around the vat began to become uncomfortably high. 

"Wow!" Flora gasped, fanning herself. "I think just leaving Batgirl tied up out HERE would've been enough to cook her!" 

Just then a 'POP' was heard from inside the popcorn maker. Then another.... and another...then two at the same time...

"Come ladies," Mrs. Shandling ordered, leading Flora and Fauna to the exit. "Our work here is done. Franklin can attend to the calcine crusader's remains once her popping cycle is complete!" 

The ladies then left as the popping sounds became more frequent and intense. Franklin again checked the temperature gauge and slightly adjusted a couple valves on the vat as the popcorn inside was popping steadily and loudly. 


HOW COULD THIS BE! 

DO OUR EYES DECIEVE US?

CAN BATGIRL POSSIBLY PARRY THIS PARCHING PERCOLATING POPCORN PREDICAMENT!??!

WILL THE DEVILISH MRS. SHANDLING AND HER MALEVOLENT MINIONS' MURDEROUS MACHINATION MASSACRE OUR MERITORIOUS MAIDEN!??!

HOLD YOUR BREATH GOOD CITIZENS, THE WILDEST IS YET TO COME!!!!

[4havokk]

I like it. Kinda corny lol

[Disciple]

Very nice. Very, very nice.

Some people might tell you the setup is rushed. It is, but that's not important - the peril is more than creative (and humiliating) enough to make up for it. And the villain's gimmick is flexible enough for ten deathtraps, so no worries there.

I'd definitely like to see this as a full story.

[gbanneriii]

Thank You Omega Woman! You're right, is an excerpt. Depending on feedback and re-writes, I'll hopefully post the full story soon. THANKS AGAIN!

[4havokk]

I too am looking forward to reading more of this story.

[4havokk]

I too am looking forward to reading more of this story.

[Conveyor66]

Nice peril

[Silver]

Evil trap!

[tallyho]

It's good, nice use of corny alliteration to capture that show like feel.
Two things though - you need to have the villain say WHY she is doing this - 'with you out of the way Batgirl I can ....XYZ'
Secondly you have the villain pointing to the FLOOR it telegraphs that there's a trap door. Direct her towards the concession stand itself and then at least there is a degree of suspense for the reader , will a net fall on her, someone or something jump out from behind the stand, knock out gas spray her or as you did a trapdoor. At least it keeps us guessing. As it is it's completely signposted.

The trap itself is great and the whole thing is well structured and well written. Good job!

[batgirl1969]

I LOVE IT! anytime the word Pop and Batgirl are used....I perk up'!!

[gbanneriii]

It's good, nice use of corny alliteration to capture that show like feel.
Two things though - you need to have the villain say WHY she is doing this - 'with you out of the way Batgirl I can ....XYZ'
Secondly you have the villain pointing to the FLOOR it telegraphs that there's a trap door. Direct her towards the concession stand itself and then at least there is a degree of suspense for the reader , will a net fall on her, someone or something jump out from behind the stand, knock out gas spray her or as you did a trapdoor. At least it keeps us guessing. As it is it's completely signposted.

The trap itself is great and the whole thing is well structured and well written. Good job!

Thank you! Tallyho, I sincerely appreciate the constructive feedback! Mrs. Shandling IS projecting the trap. In an earlier chapter we learn that the villainess plans to use subliminal messages in films to control the minds of whoever views them. When she learns that Batgirl is investigating the disappearance of some actors who discovered the plot, Mrs. Shandling tells her assistants that she must eliminate the heroine. Explaining her plot to Batgirl before she has her henchman activate the 'popper' would probably be better too?

THANKS AGAIN!

[gbanneriii]

Thanks for the great feedback forum friends!

George

[tallyho]

Explaining her plot to Batgirl before she has her henchman activate the 'popper' would probably be better too?

THANKS AGAIN!

I think so, it's all part of the traditional villain gloating that you get in the tv series - the exposition purely for the audience's benefit. Given that's the whole vibe you are obviously going for, I think it would help.

As I say though, nice job!
T.

[sneakly]

Anything that A) coats batgirl in gallons of slippery butter and B) provides a slow and deadly peril is alright by me....

[Abductorenmadrid]

This certainly has the feel of the old TV show, I can almost imagine the vibrant colours of the time along with the exaggerated scenery and props of too.

[Heroine Addict]

It's good, nice use of corny alliteration to capture that show like feel.
Two things though - you need to have the villain say WHY she is doing this - 'with you out of the way Batgirl I can ....XYZ'
Secondly you have the villain pointing to the FLOOR it telegraphs that there's a trap door. Direct her towards the concession stand itself and then at least there is a degree of suspense for the reader , will a net fall on her, someone or something jump out from behind the stand, knock out gas spray her or as you did a trapdoor. At least it keeps us guessing. As it is it's completely signposted.

The trap itself is great and the whole thing is well structured and well written. Good job!

I agree. The villain saying Batgirl will CERTAINLY find some answers in that spot is way too suspicious. Maybe Mrs Shandling could point at a handkerchief on the floor and 'innocently' ask if it's a clue. Batgirl would then warn her not to touch it as it might contain chloroform or even poison. Then Mrs Shandling would slowly back away as Batgirl kneels down over the trap door to carefully examine the 'clue'.

Will all the scenarios/traps have a theatrical theme? The smell of the greasepaint (chloroform), the roar of the crowd (a sound-activated deathtrap). Or maybe some traps based on plays? As in the Vincent Price classic Theater of Blood.

A very good sample. I'm looking forward to reading the full version.